Writing an obituary for someone you love is one of those tasks that sounds straightforward until you are sitting in front of a blank screen, trying to capture an entire human life in a few paragraphs. It is harder than it looks, and there is no one right way to do it. But there are some things that help.
This guide walks you through the process, from the basic facts to the harder work of telling someone's story with honesty and care.
Start With the Essential Information
Every obituary needs a core set of facts: the person's full name, age, date of death, city of residence, and a brief description of their life. This is the skeleton of what you are writing. It gives readers the basic orientation they need before they move into the story.
Many obituaries also include the cause of death, though this is entirely optional. Some families choose to share it. Others prefer to keep it private. Either is appropriate and the decision is entirely yours.
Tell the Story of Their Life
The best obituaries do not read like resumes. They read like a short portrait of a person. Where were they born? How did they grow up? What did they do with their time on earth, not just professionally but personally?
Think about the details that made this person distinctly themselves. The way they laughed. The hobby they were obsessive about. The way they treated strangers. The thing they were proudest of. The relationships that defined them. These are the details that make an obituary worth reading rather than just scanning.
You do not have to include everything. In fact, the best obituaries are often short and specific rather than long and comprehensive. Three vivid details are worth more than twelve generic ones.
Acknowledge Who They Loved and Who Loved Them
Obituaries traditionally list surviving family members, typically in order of closeness: surviving spouse, children, grandchildren, siblings. Deceased family members who significantly shaped the person's life can also be mentioned.
This is also a place to acknowledge non-traditional family structures without apology. Long-term partners, chosen family, close friends who were as close as siblings, the neighbors who became family after decades next door. A good obituary reflects the actual life of the person, not a sanitized version of it.
Include Service Details
If there is a public funeral, memorial service, or celebration of life, the obituary is where you announce it. Include the date, time, and location. If the service is private, a simple note saying that services will be held privately is enough.
If the family is requesting donations to a charity in lieu of flowers, include the organization's name and enough information for readers to make that happen easily.
A Note on Tone
Obituaries do not have to be formal. They do not have to be somber. They can be funny if the person was funny. They can be direct if that is who the person was. They can acknowledge the complicated parts of a life or a relationship without dwelling on them.
The goal is to write something that people who loved this person will recognize as true. If someone reads it and thinks, yes, that was them exactly, you have done it right.
A Short Example
Margaret Anne Fowler, 78, of Raleigh, North Carolina, passed away on March 4th, surrounded by her family. She spent most of her adult life as a high school English teacher, which she approached with a combination of high standards and genuine warmth that most of her students remembered decades later. She was an early riser, a competitive Scrabble player, and an unreformed people-watcher who could entertain a table with observations about strangers for the better part of an hour.
She is survived by her husband of 51 years, Robert, her three children, and seven grandchildren who called her Mim. A celebration of her life will be held on March 12th at 2 pm at Trinity Episcopal Church, Raleigh.
Give Yourself Time and Grace
Most newspapers and funeral homes have a deadline for obituary submissions, but that deadline is usually more flexible than it feels. If you need a day to write something that feels right, take it. Ask a family member to look it over before you submit it. Let someone who loved them read it and tell you whether it sounds like them.
You do not have to be a writer to write a good obituary. You just have to have known this person. That is enough.
